Sometimes even I succumb to emotion; panic. It's no lie or big secret that I strive to distance myself as much as possible from my emotions, as I feel they do little to positively augment the decision making progress. Instead I rely on logic and rationalization. This often leads people to label me as cold, unapproachable, other seemingly less than pleasant adjectives. I don't believe these opinions bear much validity, but in my moments of "feeling," I do sometimes wonder how others perceive me, because it does take a great event to quake me to reaction.
I do not understand the persistent belief that emotions are something on which to rely. I cannot fathom how they are essential to any decision, to any choice. There is always a logical reason to do something, and frankly it annoys me when someone cannot, or will not, see this. Of course, as a not so quiet voice murmuring in the back of my head is wont to remind me, this position is in itself illogical. Of course different people process different things in different ways. It's very much what makes the human experience so interesting.
This is not the point I began this post to reach, however.
The past, well, almost month at this point, I have been turning over the same situation in my head. It's been something that I thought, however briefly, that I would not be able to overcome. This fear, and indeed it was that, had me near to paralyzed. I believed my options were drawing slim and fading to nonexistence, and with that surety came the crippling notion that there would be nothing which would make the current struggle logical to proceed. Because you see, second only to my soul deep logical streak, is my sense of pride. The idea, however ill conceived, that I may lose my honor, called to mind stories of heroes and noble suicides. My situation was none so dire, and admittedly I was allowing my thoughts to travel down childish paths, but I thought of it all the same.
How I wish concepts such as bushido were still in large play today. Frequently I feel as though I was born into the wrong time, and never is that so strong as when I realize I would sooner die than compromise myself, however petty this may seem to others. I do not know if I believe in the concept of reincarnation, but were I to have lived a past life or lives, I would like to think that I was a warrior, that I died a noble death. I would like to die a noble death, or the closest facsimile to one, that I can in my current (and only?) existence.
The truth is, I panicked, and in my frantic flailing, someone came to my rescue. I allowed myself to be put in the position of needing such assistance, and I despise myself for it. I do not like being the one asking for help, the one needing it. I am supposed to be the defender, the stalwart guardian against the night. Yet, I suppose even the strongest sometimes struggle.
Ultimately I believe I am stronger for the past month's hardship. My resolve is reaffirmed, and I no longer think of the future in terms of what ifs. There is only one course of action, only one real choice, and I cannot wait until I am able to take that step. The journey begins today, of course, or more accurately, the journey has been long underway. I seek to begin something that most undergo at a younger age, but that doesn't matter. I do things my own way, I do things according to logic.
This? This plan? It's logic, pure and simple. It will shape me into the person I believe I could be, the person I believe I was born to be. Sometimes we are born with greatness, but it is not always something we can unlock by ourselves. Sometimes, we need guiding hands, we need someone who knows better than ourselves.
This is my logic, this is my path. I am proud, and I am ready.